Victoria NeuroNotes

Sometimes Words Fall Short

50 Comments

But music and imagery never disappoint.

“The most important things are the hardest things to say.  They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings – words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.”  ~Stephen King

Have a beautiful weekend, my friends.  ღ

~Victoria

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Author: NeuroNotes

Victoria predominately blogs about religion, and the brain's role in religious type experiences.

50 thoughts on “Sometimes Words Fall Short

  1. Beautiful music!
    Have a pleasant weekend

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  2. Aw, always loved this piece! It reminds me of Lorenzo’s Oil and The Elephant Man. Very, very beautiful.

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  3. This musical piece makes me think of this scene from Philadelphia.

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    • OMG, yes! My absolute all-time favorite scene in a move. Thank you so much for reminding me of this.

      It warms my heart to see you. I kinda went through a little grieving period when you deleted your blog. I have missed you. Thank you for stopping by. It made my day, you have no idea! ღ

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      • I know, it’s simply stunning!

        I grieved when I deleted it, but my marriage needed me more than a blog. We are doing better, now I’m having some issues with my five year old. I just think he’s going through a growth spurt and becoming more independent. It’s only natural for him to respond negatively to such changes, I know I am at times. Just learning to be more patient and continuing to love on those I care about. I think I also went through some sorrow when my parents outed my atheism to the entire family.

        In speaking of great cinematic musical scenes, here’s my favorite from The Shawshank Redemption. I know it’s about infidelity, but I just like the idea of Andy sharing such a beautiful opera with the other prisoners. Red’s narrative is quite amazing as well.

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        • Such a great scene. I get goosebumps everytime I watch this. A perfect video and narrative for this post. Thank you!

          “I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I’d like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream.

          It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.”

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            • Okay Victoria,

              I just can’t leave this entry alone. I finally watched all of Ordinary People this past Saturday. Whenever I’ve heard it play before I knew it was from this movie. It also reminds me of George Winston’s December and one of my sisters. She had it played either for the wedding party’s intro or for her bridal march, I don’t quite remember which.

              I cried a lot through it (I can only imagine how you must have felt if you’ve seen it.). The mother really got to me, I could not get over the disdain she had for her own son. She reminded me so much of my husband’s adopted mother. The mother was distant and her silence was cruel and cold.

              Then I saw traces of this woman in me as I reflected upon some of my more recent behavior. I have shut down. Being an outsider, a damn yankee, where I live, I often hear “You’re definitely not from around here!” Usually, it’s while I’m being friendly with the person or people. It’s almost as though they want to make some sort of example out of me. Well, this makes me withdraw more and more the longer I live here. While deconverting as I’ve lived here, I keep to myself even more. Unfortunately, it spills over into my personal life and I sometimes find myself tied up with fear to the point where I don’t share or love as much as I want to with my family.

              It’s easy to be critical of this film’s mother character, but I see pieces of her in me from time to time. A change will do me some good. Speaking of change, did you notice the opening weather and climate?

              Don’t know when I’ll come by again, Victoria. I hope you are well and doing great. I don’t know how we’ll do it (baby sitter wise), but Jim and I will be attending at least two concerts this year without the kids. We already have tickets for Bruno Mars, yes, BRUNO MARS, for this summer (in the nose bleed section because tickets went on sale the day after the Super Bowl)! We have good seats for a Katy Perry Concert in October. Can’t wait!

              In the mean time, we have the usual dramas, soccer, Jim’s schooling and our oldest boy’s big, yearly gifted program project. (I will try not to hate it this year!)

              Have a great Valentine’s Day, my friend. May love surround you every day, not just for a “holiday”.

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              • Charity, thank you for the video and for sharing with such depth and heart. The video was beautiful with the autumn scenery and Pachelbel’s Canon. PC was the first tune my daughter learned to play on the piano. It’s been one of her favorite tunes since she was a wee one. It’s the ring tone programmed in my phone when Kristin calls. 😉

                The contrasts in the movie/video clip is so profound. You get caught up in all the beauty, then BAM, the reality of the character Timothy Hutton portrays slaps you in the face, hard — and forces you to see a reality you don’t want to see. No illusion, no superstition, no beauty, no illusion of beauty and no illusion of hope can deceive you in such a moment as reveled at the end of the video clip. His eyes said it all. I was reminded of Greg’s sister. The day he killed himself, his mother, after seeing his lifeless body, came out in shock and said to everyone “my only child is dead.” She said that right in front of her daughter in my home. Greg’s sister never recovered from the craziness that took place in his family after Greg’s death. It was the catalyst for her going on disability. She dealt with survivors guilt, and her mother distanced herself from her only living child. It was a travesty to say the least.

                You wrote:
                “Then I saw traces of this woman in me as I reflected upon some of my more recent behavior. I have shut down. Being an outsider, a damn yankee, where I live, I often hear “You’re definitely not from around here!” Usually, it’s while I’m being friendly with the person or people. It’s almost as though they want to make some sort of example out of me. Well, this makes me withdraw more and more the longer I live here. While deconverting as I’ve lived here, I keep to myself even more. Unfortunately, it spills over into my personal life and I sometimes find myself tied up with fear to the point where I don’t share or love as much as I want to with my family.”

                I understand the feeling of needing to withdraw from the mainstream of our culture, which is very religious to the point of hyper-religious. You and I both live in fundamental regions of the country, pretty much run by fundamental representatives on all levels. It can be a hostile environment, disguised by the illusion of beauty — much like a Wisteria plant. According to Wikipedia — “Wisteria is an extremely hardy plant that is considered an invasive species in many parts of the U.S., especially the Southeast, due to its ability to overtake and choke out other native plant species.”

                I am excited that you and Jim will be attending a couple of concerts this year. Bruno Mars? You go girlfriend. 😀 I also hope you will keep connection with some support network(s), like you found on WordPress. Maybe a Meetup group of freethinkers, agnostic and atheists in your area? As I’ve said before, you are sorely missed here, and I’m not the only one saying it. Just promise that you will feed yourself. You have a powerful voice and you’re a gifted writer who connects with your readers. I couldn’t survive the isolation and social rejection within my own community without a connection from communities (mostly online) that are more inclusive. I don’t mean to sound preachy, but please don’t isolate yourself completely. Hope you will come back around soon.

                Love you — Happy Valentine’s Day. ღ

                Victoria

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                • Okay, so I’m back sooner than planned!

                  That is crazy about how much our interests are alike!

                  I have missed you like crazy Victoria. I didn’t like blogging because I felt so exposed. I know that’s strange because I kept so much of it private. I keep my gravatar now even more private. Because I am less than two years out of Christianity, it’s all so new that I don’t know what to do when. I also needed to work on my marriage and couldn’t give my blog the time I thought my few readers really deserved.

                  I would love to watch Ordinary People again when I have some time away from the kids. (They were in and out a lot as I caught it on local TV out of nowhere.) I would like to watch it with Jim. (He was a bigger mess than me when we watched Les Mis months ago.) I also want to see it unedited. I think we often miss the meat when books, songs and movies are censored in any way. OP is the kind of movie that some might find dull. I think it is only if you have dealt with neglect, abuse, depression, suicide and other forms of death that you begin to understand what the family’s going through. (If I’m not mistaken, Timothy Hutton received an Oscar for his performance. He more than deserved it. Sutherland was phenomenal!)

                  I think it’s tragic what you and your little girl went through when you lost your husband. It bothers me when I think about how he lived his last days. I wish someone had enough sense to help him or to get help for him. He was met with arrogance and self righteousness instead. I wish that wasn’t the norm, but it is under the system he sought help through. I feel bad for his sister. I can’t begin to imagine the abandonment she felt when her brother died and the rejection she received when her mother said what she did.

                  I will say something good that has come out of taking down my blog…I’ve learned some things about my husband. The number one thing I have learned about him, he’s been horribly abused. He’s a man, he’s not going to get into the specifics. He actually remembers very little, that’s often the worst kind of abuse. I knew he went through abuse, neglect and manipulation with his biological mom and grandma, his adopted parents and with Churches and religion, but he was also horribly treated by the military. We’re talking about a person who spent four years at an Army military school, five years with the Marine Corps and 15 years with the Navy. My husband as a lot of guts and had questioned his superiors at times when he saw injustices (there’s an awful lot of it on our own soil). As a result, he often did all the grunt jobs and went through a lot of manipulation and mocking from his leaders and fellow students, soldiers and sailors. The thing is, he’s never had to go to war, this is with our own, right here! I’ve begun to understand his heart (like the German professor translating the opera with Jo on Little Women). I have a greater appreciation and love for him and for what he does for the boys and me. We both did a lot of things wrong during our “faith” days, especially the last couple of years. Instead of pointing fingers at each other, we are learning to embrace each other more and more. I want to do good things for him, I want him to always know that I love him and appreciate him.

                  On that note about Mr. Amazing, I will share this……

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                  • “I will say something good that has come out of taking down my blog…I’ve learned some things about my husband. The number one thing I have learned about him, he’s been horribly abused. He’s a man, he’s not going to get into the specifics. He actually remembers very little, that’s often the worst kind of abuse. I knew he went through abuse, neglect and manipulation with his biological mom and grandma, his adopted parents and with Churches and religion, but he was also horribly treated by the military.”

                    Charity, I’m sorry it’s taken so long to respond. Thank you for your kind and compassionate words. When I read your comment about your husband, I wept. I knew he had experienced some kind of abuse but I didn’t know to what extent. I had no words at the time and I still find myself lost for words that express the emotions I feel within.

                    I have a better understanding as to why you took down your blog, but I’d like to share something I had planed to say in an email. Your blog was just what I needed during that season of my life. As I’ve shared before, you are an incredibly talented writer, and you have the gift of connecting with people on a level they can relate to. I grew so much and experienced much release and healing. So with tears filling up my eyes right now, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your contribution to humanity, and for helping, via your own experiences, to trigger memories I had suppressed for so long that needed to surface. It was rough at times, swimm’ in the deep, but because of you, I didn’t feel alone. Healing and resolve were the result.

                    I read a comment on a song meaning website. The comenter expressed exactly how I felt when I first heard this song, which just so happened to be around the time I found your blog.

                    “The song is about internal struggle for redemption. about digging through the shit to find that rare peace that few find in one lifetime. a truth, not an absolute but a personal truth. and the only way to peace is to let it all go.”

                    Love you, ღ

                    Victoria

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                    • Jim is an incredibly affectionate person. Affection makes me highly uncomfortable as you know. In Ordinary People, the mom and son were rarely in the same room. When they were, it was odd and uncomfortable. In their last scene together, the parents had just returned from Texas and their son came in to greet them. He told them that he loved them and missed them (without even telling them about the devastation he experienced while they were away.) He goes out of his way to hug his mom and he tells her he loves her and missed her. She just sits there. She doesn’t even tilt her head, nor does she lean into him. The mother doesn’t even raise a hand or an arm. She sits straight up with her arms locked to her side. I thought of Jim when I saw this. Last night I told him that he was always the problem with his adopted mom, that she never (and still doesn’t) took responsibility for her actions. It’s why she locked him out of the house every day his entire eighth grade year when he came home from school, even all those times while she was home. He would then disappear with his bike for a five mile plus trek to his local Boys’ Club to do his homework and play with other kids. He’d come home when it was dark for a quick hot dog to eat, shower and then went straight to bed. When threatened with taking this scenario to CPS by his much older siblings, her resolve was to ship Jim off to an Army military school in north Georgia. They live in central Florida. He spent his entire high school experience there without parents, no love and absolutely, no girls. That last scene with the mom and son in Ordinary People just made me ball. Then I realized something, that’s not just Jim and his mom, at times, it’s Jim and me. I have my moments when I won’t hug him or console him. I tell him it’s because the only “physical” thing I had with both of my parents was abuse. However, he sees me making over our little boys with lots of kisses, hugs, cuddles and “I love you”s without hesitation. He sees right through my hypocrisy. Jim never with holds his affection and “I love you”s and I am starting to learn to do the same.

                      https://myspace.com/twilaparis/music/song/bonded-together-same-girl-album-version-34457667-35924342

                      It is the human experience that binds us together, Victoria. It is our love, our hate, our joy and our pain that connects us to each other. “I am your servant forever. I will never leave you, we are bonded together.” The only word to be changed in the song is “father” to “sister”. I dedicate this song to you, Victoria. You and I just “get” each other. I am terribly sorry that I can’t find a good video or even a proper web site for the lyrics. In watching the most recent beautiful video you dedicated to me, I couldn’t help but think of Twila Paris’ “Bonded Together”. You cling to me, I cling to you, we are bonded together. I wish you well, Victoria. Have a great week and weekend ahead. Know you matter, know you’re loved. Know that you exist because of your strength, character and compassion. Your daughter is fortunate to have you and you are fortunate to have her. It is obvious that you love each other. As a mom with young children, I have hope when I look at you two. A hope that my children and I can be close, but it begins with me treating them with love and respect today and every day. Thank you for that, my friend.

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                    • Charity, talk about being taken back to memory lane. I used to sing that song, Bonded Together, in church. It really is a beautiful song, and even more beautiful when it comes to represent our own connection with each other. YES — we are bonded together. Thank you so much. I am deeply, deeply moved. I have exhausted my capacity to have further dialog with you unless I do it from notification box, which is always susceptible to losing a comment. WP only allows 10 replies within a comment. So I will either have to continue this convo below in a new comment box, or via email. I’m just so sorry about what Jim went through.

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  4. Lovely! You always know what to do, say and share.
    Thank you dear friend 🙂

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  5. Thank you for this, Victoria. Always a blessing for me when I see your name come up in my Reader. Always easy to click here first and see what you share with us all. Wonderful music and words, my friend.

    have a wonderful weekend as well.

    Paul

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    • Paul,

      I want to thank you for being such a supportive and faithful friend. I don’t know how you keep up, but I’m so grateful you do. You brighten my mood when I see that you’ve posted a comment. My reader has been quite active lately and I’ve missed so many posts and comment notifications because I follow and comment on a lot of advocacy blogs. I read in one of your posts recently where you were in a valley. I sat there just staring at the monitor. I had no words to match the feelings so I said nothing. But you have been in my thoughts. I’ve been in and out of a funk this past month, so may I say that I can relate to the winter chills of rumination? And dare I say that I see the early signs of Spring? I hope you see them as well. 🙂

      All my best to you, my friend,

      Victoria

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  6. Victoria! Love this, love the scenery and the music, too. “Adagio” is one of my all-time favorite pieces of music. I’m heavily into Electronica/House/Lounge/World music. Anyway, some years ago, one of my favorite composers, William Orbit, released a CD called “Pieces in a Modern Style” where he electronically interpreted various pieces of classical music. Adagio was one of the pieces he did and it’s amazing. Check out: http://www.last.fm/music/William+Orbit/Pieces+in+a+Modern+Style. Thanks for this wonderful, serene, and pleasing post. You are so right: sometimes words just don’t cut it. Your “emotional funk” is about to end. I can feel it. Big, warm hugs to you, darling friend.

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    • Electronica/House/Lounge/World music? OMGosh, we ARE kindred spirits. 😀
      OK, I’ll be back to comment more — I have a tune to listen too. xoxo

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    • Liz, I found it on YouTube — so I will share here as I listen.

      About my “emotional funk” about to end — you have confirmed what I felt this morning after reading a post from another blogger. I told him the very same thing. Can you hear Twilight Zone music playing in the background, or is that Oceanlab I hear? 😀

      Thanks so much for turning me on to William Orbit, and your much needed words of encouragement. It so feels like me on a good day. Another huge congrats on being Freshly Pressed. I dedicate one of my favs to you. *muah*

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      • Victoria,

        So sorry it took me too long to get back here to reply, my friend. It’s been nuts lately. 🙂 That song is AWESOME!! Ohmagosh! I so want to be on that beach and chillin’ in the sun. The music is really lovely; it’s just an excellent example of a solidly arranged piece of electronic music and her voice is incredible. So pleasing! I’m seriously headed over to get everything by Oceanlab. Thank you soooo much for telling me about them!

        Do you know of Kaskade (http://www.kaskademusic.com/), the DJ from Utah? This work is so much like his style/arrangement/sound. It’s really amazing to me. This could easily be a Kaskade mix. 🙂

        Re: Twilight Zone music. HAhaahahaa! That cracks me up. Well, I’m an intuitive, honey, and have resisted it all of my life to my great peril. I’m learning how to trust my higher guidance more and more every day despite huge blocks I put in place to thwart it, but as I age, I’m becoming much more clear and much more willing to be who I am. It’s from God and it helps other people. So, in rare moments of clarity and non-resistance, I can pass along message to others with great love inside of me.

        You and your blog are a HUGE highlight to my life, Victoria. You send such positiveness into the world and you help people every day. I love that about you and do feel that we are kindred spirits, sis. 🙂 Yay!

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  7. Beautiful music, Victoria and loved the images

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  8. Beautiful words and music both from you and inspired by you!

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  9. Here I am! Yes, it is me. I’m still alive! :p

    Gorgeous gorgeous music Victoria! I could listen to this every single morning to set my mood right. Thank you!

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  10. Read your comment, Victoria, I understand. Enjoy your day. I’ve been catching up on my favorite blogs. I will “talk” to you again in a few weeks when I play catch up again. I hope February has and will continue to, served you well. Until the spring……
    Me 🙂

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